


the dark secret of lonely wolf

by awastedream



Series: tianshan week [1]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Fluff, M/M, this is a happy fic so don't know what to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-23 19:20:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9672581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awastedream/pseuds/awastedream
Summary: Guan Shan unlocked the door with the key that He Tian left for him in the flowerpot next to his apartment. The flowers had died long ago, but He Tian still kept the flowerpot. Guan Shan had asked before if it was okay to throw away and replace with another, but He Tian had refused before Guan Shan could even finish his sentence.





	1. don't leave me alone

Guan Shan unlocked the door with the key that He Tian left for him in the flowerpot next to his apartment. The flowers had died long ago, but He Tian still kept the flowerpot. Guan Shan had asked before if it was okay to throw away and replace with another, but He Tian had refused before Guan Shan could even finish his sentence.

Guan Shan stepped inside the house and looked around to see if He Tian was home. Usually He Tian would be home whenever Guan Shan came to clean the house, but it seemed like this time he wasn't. The house was in absolute silence.

"Perfect," Guan Shan said to himself, his voice echoing in the big and empty house. It made Guan Shan feel weird seeing how empty the house was, with only a few things, and it seemed as if He Tian would move out any minute. He had been in his house at least twice that week, but still couldn't get used to how lonely and cold the house felt.

Guan Shan put his keys on the kitchen table and looked at his phone one last time to see if his mother had texted him before he began cleaning. There was nothing; his mother was going to prison to see her husband, his father. Guan Shan had also wanted to go with his mother, but his father didn't want to see him. He didn't want his son to see him like that.

Guan Shan didn't mind, he didn't care how his father looked. All he wanted was to see him. He needed to see him one more time, since he couldn't see his face when he got arrested. But Guan Shan had no right to speak about it because what his father wanted was more important than what Guan Shan wanted or needed.

"Okay, let's begin," Guan Shan took a breath and took his jacket off, correction, He Tian's jacket. He didn't want to wear his jacket again at all, but the weather was chilly and he literally couldn't find a single warm thing to wear, and so he had to wear that jacket again.

Although Guan Shan wore the jacket for almost a whole day, it still smelled like He Tian. His scent didn’t fade away and Guan Shan couldn't stop himself from taking a deep sniff, filling his lungs with He Tian’s scent.

As soon as he realized what he was doing, Guan Shan threw the jacket away. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he cursed while shaking his head. "What the hell am I doing?" Guan Shan asked himself.

It was good that He Tian was not home to see Guan Shan. If he saw what Guan Shan just did, then he’d probably never shut the fuck up about it.

"It's all that idiot's fault," Guan Shan cried out. It was nice that he was the only one person in the house. He could yell as much as he wanted and nobody would hear his voice. The walls seemed pretty thick.

Guan Shan shook his head one more time and looked at around. The house didn't seem too dirty so it wouldn't take much time to clean. He wanted to clean the house as soon as possible so he could get the fuck out before He Tian came back.

His body and mind weren’t ready to see He Tian yet. He didn’t know how he should act when he sees him and he had no idea what to say. After all the things that happened between them, Guan Shan still was thankful for everything He Tian did for him. He wouldn’t forget how he risked himself for him and he would never forget how he fought with She Li for him.

He still was the boy who messed with him, the same boy who teased him, and still the same boy who sent him dick pictures after giving him his jacket and saying nice things.

Guan Shan needed a guide to understand how He Tian felt. He fucking needed a guide on what went through He Tian’s mind. One minute he was gentle and caring, then the next he could turn into a devilish person. Sometimes he felt like He Tian was playing with him, but he knew nobody would risk their life for someone they didn’t care about.

"Stop it," Guan Shan yelled at himself, "Stop thinking about him," he started to walk towards He Tian's bed to get his dirty clothes and put them on the machine, "It will only make your mind confuse," he picked up one of He Tian's shirts that was on his pillow, "you don't need more shit in your life."

He Tian's bed sheets were looking too dirty to sleep on, but before washing them he had to see if there were any clean ones. He took all his dirty shits and started to walk towards the bathroom, he put them on the machine and opened one of the closets that Guan Shan used to put clean clothes and stuff like sheets and towels.

He saw a white shirt covered with blood, there was no doubt that it was his shirt, the one he wrapped around He Tian's hand to stop the bleeding, but he didn't understand why it was there. He thought he had already thrown it away, because Guan Shan had seen enough shirts cover with blood to know that it was almost impossible to clean blood stains, especially when it’s a big one.

He took his shirt back from where He Tian probably put it, he didn't know if he was the one whom put it in there, but couldn't think of anyone who would do that. The looked red with white stains and not the other way around.

Guan Shan didn't even realize the idiot had lost that much blood in the first place. Somehow the anger he felt for He Tian before, the anger he felt for him when he sent him those uncalled dick pictures, or when he messed around with him, or when he stole his first kiss from him had slowly began to fade away; but he didn't want that, he had to stay angry at him, because he didn't know what would be left in his heart for He Tian if the anger faded away.

Guan Shan put his shirt in the trash and washed his hands with water so hot that his skin almost turned a light shade of red. He looked at himself in the mirror, he looked like shit, somehow, he looked like he was exhausted, he hadn't even cleaned half the house, but his body was feeling so heavy, probably because the previous night he couldn't sleep at all, he kept remembering that photo, but mostly because his mother was going to see his father and he couldn't.

He dried his hands with the towel that Guan Shan put last Tuesday and he looked around to see if there was any other dirty thing to wash up but there wasn’t, he put a new towel on the hangers and closes the door of bathroom behind him.

"Now, next is the kitchen," Guan Shan said to himself and walked back to the kitchen, before washing the dishes that He Tian probably left before going out he took another look at his phone to see if there was any text from his mother or anyone else, but there was nothing. It was past 2pm when he came to clean He Tian's house and it had been only half an hours since then.

Guan Shan put his phone back and began to wash dishes. Surprisingly, there were too many dishes for only one person, he wondered if He Tian had a guest after they left his house, he remembers that He Tian once said his house belonged to his uncle but he was never around, for a moment Guan Shan thought the uncle had finally decided to show up but then he couldn't stop his mind from thinking that maybe he had a more important guest and that is why he wasn't there to greet him.

"Even if it is like that," Guan Shan said to himself again, he was talking to himself a lot today, he always did, but today he was doing it more than usual, "it is none of my goddamn business," Guan Shan began to wash them faster. "I don't give a fuck about it."

Guan Shan didn't even realize when he finished washing all the dishes, there were a few more things he had to do in the kitchen, like cleaning the cooker, Guan Shan didn't even understand how the hell He Tian could make a mess like that, but before that, he had to change the assholes' bed sheets.

He went back to He Tian's bedroom and began with his pillows. When he was done with them, he put the pillows on top of a pile of boxes because there was nowhere else to put them, and then he made the bed, when he moved to get the pillow, he accidentally dropped one of the boxes and the stuffs in the box had fall to the floor

Guan Shan put the pillows on the bed and leaned down to pick up the stuff that had just fallen form the box, thankfully there wasn't anything that could break in the box, only a few papers and some small toy cars.

Guan Shan was smiling to himself, when he saw the toy cars, he also had a few similar ones, but He Tian having toys like that both fitted the imagine Guan Shan had of He Tian and didn’t at the same time.

He picked them up and put them on the box again, then he finally made the bed, and went back to the kitchen, before cleaning the cooker, he decided to make stew. Guan Shan was planning to do something else, but before He Tian went out he left a note on the fridge that asked if he could cook stew again for him.

There were even hearts on the note, and because he asked nicely, Guan Shan had no problem with cooking what he wanted.

While the stew was cooking, Guan Shan looked around again to see if there was something he missed, but the house looked clean, then his eyes saw a photo on the floor, it probably fell from the box, Guan Shan moved to pick it up from floor and as soon as he reached his hands to it, the door opened and he, reflexively, look at the door to see who it was.

When he saw He Tian’s face, he wasn't surprised, he didn't expect to see anyone else, but when he saw that he was alone, Guan Shan felt relieved.

"Oh, are you still here?" He Tian said, he didn’t seem happy that Guan Shan was still in his house.

Guan Shan pick up the photo and put it in the pocket of his jean without looking at it, he was pissed at the way He Tian had said those words to care about anything else, "I'll leave after I'm done cooking." he said and walked towards the kitchen again.

He Tian didn't followed him to the kitchen, like he normally did, he walked straight towards the bathroom, Guan Shan watched He Tian's steps until he disappeared from his sight.

Guan Shan shook his head and looked at the stew, it was almost done, "good," he said to himself, he probably could leave the house in a few minutes.

He didn't have anything else to do, other than wait for the stew to get done, he didn't want to go inside and risk seeing He Tian, the boy clearly wasn't in a good mood and Guan Shan didn't want to butt in his business, at least not for now.

"Are you still here?" He Tian asked while walking towards to the kitchen, he was topless, probably took off his shirt when he went to the bathroom, and was holding the new towel Guan Shan putted on the hanger half an hour ago.

"If you want me to leave that much," Guan Shan didn't want to take He Tian's behaviour personally at the first, but he was beginning to feel like it was, "You can just promise me that you won't burn it and I will leave right away."

He Tian was looking at Guan Shan's face without trying to avoid eye contact, "NO", he raised his voice so suddenly that Guan Shan backed off involuntary. "No! Please don't, it wasn't what I meant," He Tian seemed like he was searching for the right words to say.

"Cute," Guan Shan murmured to himself without noticing, he almost said it loud. He knew the word ‘cute’ didn’t fit He Tian’s image or his personality, but it wasn't the first time Guan Shan thought of him as a cute person because of the little things he did or just a look of his that only lasted a few second.

"Did you say something?" He Tian asked him with a confused face.

"I said, what did you mean," Guan Shan said, and hoped that he hadn't ask it to tease him and hadn't hear him.

"I just thought that," He Tian sighed, he seemed like he had given up on something, "I know that your mother will meet with your father today, so I thought you would go back home earlier," water drops were still falling down to He Tian's bare chest, "I'm sorry, I didn't want to be mean," he dried his face one more time and put the towel on the kitchen table somehow he seemed like a little child.

"Oh," Guan Shan never expected to hear something like this, he thought He Tian was like that because of something personal, it never did cross in his mind that it would be about him. "Thanks a lot for thinking of me, but there’s no need," although his words came out a bit cold, he was pretty thankful, but he didn't need to show it. "I don't have to leave early."

"It is not really something that you should be thanking," He Tian got behind the cooker, right next to Guan Shan, "I didn't mean to make you feel unwanted, because you know it's the exact opposite."

Guan Shan took a few steps away from him, "I don't mind," he shrugged as if he just didn't care, "I don't give a damn if you want me here or not, but if you really don't want me to stay, please tell me so I won't waste my time by coming here twice in a week."

He Tian laughed, he knew it would only make Guan Shan mad, but he couldn't hold back his laughter after he saw how broken and hurt Guan Shan's face was when he asked him why he hadn’t left yet, and now he was desperately trying to make He Tian believe he didn't care when he clearly did.

"Your face tells a whole different story," He Tian was barely holding himself back from touching Guan Shan's blushing cheek, "Your face is telling me that you got hurt by my unmeant words."

"Then my face doesn't know shit about me," Guan Shan take the stew from the fire and put it into a large plate, "My job here is done," he took his keys and phone from the kitchen table, "I'm leaving," he said and started to walk towards to door.

He Tian quickly grabbed his hand to stop him, but as soon as he saw Guan Shan's eyes, he remember the moment that they were in the school garden, and let go of his hand before Guan Shan made a move to push him away, "If you don't mind, can you stay a bit longer," He Tian asked, he didn't want to say the reason, but it was the last day he wanted to be all alone in this house. "We can eat together," He Tian looked at the smoky stew, "It's too much for one person."

"You kept telling me to leave ever since you step in the house, but now you want me to stay," Guan Shan sighed heavily and looked at his phone to see if there was a text from his mother, but there was nothing. He wanted to leave as soon as possible only a few minutes ago, but now he didn't want to leave He Tian alone, for some reasons he couldn't understand he felt like he shouldn't leave him alone today. "But okay, I'll stay." Guan Shan said and he saw that famous smile of He Tian.

He Tian didn't expect Guan Shan to go along with him so easily, he even thought of some ways to make him stay, but they weren't needed, "Are you sure?" He Tian wanted to ask, but probably making Guan Shan think his choice twice wasn't a good idea.

"Thank you," He Tian said instead.

Guan Shan didn't say anything and walked back to the kitchen and took two plates, "Come on, take the stew and come," he said and walked toward the dining table.

He Tian did what he said and followed Guan Shan, "I can get used to this." He Tian said.

  
                                                                                                                   ||~~*~~||

  
They both were quiet when they were eating, He Tian didn't want to ruin the moment by offending Guan Shan with his words without noticing, he wanted to enjoy the moment. This might be not the first time they ate together, in fact, they both were on this dinner table only last night, but they weren't alone.

This was the first time ever that they were together alone, for the first time it was only the two of them, and he didn't want to do anything to ruin it.

"What are you looking at?" Guan Shan asked while washing the dishes, he had asked He Tian to wash them because it was close to be 6pm and he had to go to home, but He Tian showed his bandaged hand and Guan Shan had to wash them himself.

"Your face," He Tian said without taking his eyes from his face.

Guan Shan frowned kind of angry, or more like that was what he wanted He Tian to think, then he bowed his head a bit to hide his blushing face, "Then stop looking, there is nothing on my face to look at."

"We clearly think different," He Tian said and got next to Guan Shan, "There is something left on your face," he said and gently touched his face to lift it up.

Guan Shan's dish gloves were cover with foam and couldn't push it away for himself, he was almost sure that there was nothing left on his face and this was He Tian's way to tease him, "You don't have to touch," Guan Shan said, "Just tell me where it is." He said, and tried to take his dish gloves off, but He Tian stopped him.

"No need to," He Tian said, his eyes met for the first time in so long, He Tian could see the shyness in the redheaded's eyes, and it was something making him excited, he wanted to see more of this side of Guan Shan, he wanted to see more different facial expressions of Guan Shan, "I'll take care of it." he said with a smirk on his face.

Guan Shan closed his eyes right after he saw the smirk on He Tian's face, this was an unexpected move from him, he didn't even know why he closed his eyes like that, he wasn't sure what he was expecting from He Tian that it made him close his eyes, but he did and he was letting He Tian touch him, touch his skin.

He Tian almost hadn’t known what to do when he saw Guan Shan in front of him, with his eyes closed, and letting He Tian touch him. For a second he wanted to use this moment to kiss him one more time, he couldn't forget those lips since he tasted them, but he promised himself that he wouldn’t do something like that ever again, he promised himself that he wouldn’t do something that would make Guan Shan cry like that ever again.

He won't kiss the boy in front of him even if He Tian just wants to take him to his bed, until Guan Shan asks for it, until he hears those words from him, he won't do that ever again.

He gently touched Guan Shan's face again, the redheaded boy shivered from the sudden touch, he didn't see it coming since his eyes were closed, and probably He Tian's hands were pretty cold compare to the boy's heated face, he wasn't sure if Guan Shan's face was always that warm or it were because of he was blushing extremely.

He Tian wasn't lying when he said Guan Shan had something on his face even if it wasn't the reason why he was looking at his face, but it was the truth so he wasn't completely a liar.

There were some bubbles on his face, He Tian touched the boy's skin, it was softer than he thought it would be, the bubbles were right next to his lips, he thought the whole world was testing him. Guan Shan looked so defenceless with his closed eyes, but all He Tian could see were the redheaded's pinkish lips and nothing else.

"You still didn't get it?" Guan Shan finally got bored of waiting and asked what He Tian didn't want to hear, he wanted to stay like that for a bit more.

"I will now," He Tian said. "Stay still."

"Just hurry up," Guan Shan said, his dish gloves were still cover with foam and they were dripping on the floor, "asshole," he added at the end of his sentence. He wanted to sound angry, but couldn't even believe his own ears when he heard how sweet his voice came out.

He Tian couldn't help but smile at the way Guan Shan called him "asshole" it probably was the sweetest way to say that word, the devil inside him was telling him to tease him, mess up with him, but he could see that Guan Shan was getting impatient from the way he was moving his closed eyes.

He Tian took a deep breath, "Okay, done!" he said and took a few steps back from him, he turned his back to Guan Shan and began to walked towards his bed. He didn't want Guan Shan to see his face right now, because he was sure that he looked too weird, and it would only make Guan Shan feel uncomfortable with him.

"Are you going to sleep?" Guan Shan asked, he finally took of his dish gloves, and took his phone and keys again.

"No, I just wanted to check something." He Tian said the first thing that came to his mind, he didn't even think before talking, there was nothing he wanted to check in that room.

"I see," Guan Shan said, it seemed like he hadn't believed his words, but didn't care enough to ask what the real reason was.

He Tian saw that Guan Shan was holding his phone and keys, "Are you leaving?" he asked although he didn't want to.

"I have to," Guan Shan showed He Tian his phone to make him look at the hour, "It's getting late and my mom is probably home already."

He Tian didn't want to let him go, he didn't want to be alone in this house, and he didn't want to be with anyone else other than this redheaded guy that had become so dear to him, but he knew he had to let go of him, for now. There might come a time where he won't have to, but it wasn't today, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Do you want me to send you off?" He Tian asked although the answer was as clear as water.

"No need," Guan Shan said, "but thanks."

He Tian nodded, he was waiting in front of the door to send him off, "Hey," He Tian yelled from behind him when Guan Shan had walked away a bit. "Thanks a lot for today."

Guan Shan smiled at him as if it means nothing and disappeared from He Tian's sight.


	2. the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't worry about me." He Tian said, he had been already too selfish all day long and now he was making Guan Shan not get enough sleep.
> 
> He wanted to talk to him, he wanted to explain everything to him, tell him everything he had been holding in for years, but he didn't know how. He wasn't good at talking about himself like that, and what's more, he didn't want to make it seem like he was making Guan Shan feel bad about him.
> 
> "Just, spill." Guan Shan said and took a breath, he was probably trying his best to not fall asleep.
> 
> He Tian laughed at himself quietly, and let the silence make Guan Shan fall sleep again, after a few minutes He Tian heard Guan Shan's sleeping noises. "Today is my mother's death anniversary," He Tian said, he knew Guan Shan couldn't hear him, but it was why he was saying it out loud, he hadn't say those words for years.
> 
> "The photo you took was of me and my mother," He Tian felt a warm feeling inside his heart when he remembered that day, and then sudden sadness,"

Guan Shan began to walk to his home, his mother still hadn't text him and, for some reason, he was getting worried about it. "Goddammit," he murmured to himself, the weather was chilly and he had nothing on beside one of his shirts that he always wore. "I should have taken a jacket," he cursed himself for being careless, but he hadn't thought that he would be staying in He Tian's house for so long.

It was good that He Tian's house wasn't that far from Guan Shan's, and that is why he probably would be at his house before he caught a cold. He didn't care about that right now, the most important thing to him was what his mother and father talked about, how was his father and why his mother didn't text him the whole day.

When Guan Shan reached the stairs of the apartment he lived in, he already fee warm. He knocked the door before taking his keys, but there still was no sign of anyone inside, his mother probably hadn’t come yet and who knew where his older brother was.

Guan Shan took his key from the pocket of his jean and the photo that he took from He Tian's house fell down along with the key, he leaned down to pick his key and the photo. He looked at the photo, but it was too dark to see anything, there were two people and something like a dog or a big cat in the photo. He shrugged and tried open the door with his key but it didn't open, the key wasn't the right one, "Fuck, just my luck," Guan Shan cursed, it seemed like he got the wrong key while hurrying out of the house.

Guan Shan put the photo back in his pocket and took his phone to call his mother, then he saw a few unread texts from her;

**From: Ma**

your grandmother called me and said she doesn't feel good I'm sure it’s nothing serious, but I'm gonna spend the night at her house!

**From: Ma**

I know you have questions about your father, but don't worry he is doing fine!! I'll talk with you when I come back!

**From: Ma**

Oh and your brother said, he will be staying at one of his friend's place. You will be alone tonight but if don't like it take a train and come here. If you are hungry there should be some food in the fridge, warm it up and eat.

**From: Ma**

my phone is about to die I'll call you as soon as I can!! Stay safe.

Guan Shan locked his phone, and put it back in his pocket, "What a damn night," he grumbled to himself. He thought about going to his grandmother's house but at this hour there weren’t any trains, what was worse, the train station was far from his house and his body was stiff because of cold.

Guan Shan had no close friends he could go to and stay the whole night in their house, he had no one other than He Tian, "Fuck, fuck, fuck," he began to walk back to He Tian's house, and hoped the boy was still in his house.

After about 10 minutes, Guan Shan was standing in front of He Tian's house again. His whole body was frozen, he couldn't even move his fingers. The weather wasn't that cold, but Guan Shan wasn't good with either cold or chilly days, he was a summer person.

He took a deep breath and finally knocked on the door, after a long silence, He Tian finally opened, he was clearly surprised to see Guan Shan again, he couldn't even hide it, "G-Guan Shan?" He Tian asked, he sounded a bit sleepy, but mostly surprised.

"Can I come in?" Guan Shan felt like He Tian had a guest in his house, and a part of him was telling him that he shouldn't bother them, but he didn't have anywhere else to go, plus a part of him wanted to get in that house and not leave that person and He Tian alone.

He Tian's surprise grew bigger, Guan Shan could tell from his face, "Sure," He Tian finally said something, he stepped aside so Guan Shan could get in.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you like this," Guan Shan walked inside the house, and took a quick look around, but there was nothing to see, there was no one in the house, he got jealous of a person that didn't even exist.

"Jealousy." echoed in Guan Shan's mind, "Why would I get jealous of him," he asked to himself, as if he didn't know the answer already.

"It's fine," He Tian closed the door and walked next to Guan Shan, "but is everything okay?"

Guan Shan nodded his head, "Yes, just I got the wrong key, and nobody is at home," he was feeling uneasy, "I had nowhere else to go," he admitted.

"I'm glad," He Tian said, it was sweet and it made Guan Shan feel warm like nothing ever before, "I'm glad that I became a place you can come to when you are in troubled." He said with a soft smile on his face.

Guan Shan felt offended because of the smile on He Tian's face, he couldn't help but feel like he had lost some important battle he wasn’t even aware he was apart off, "Are you alone?" Guan Shan asked, he was being careful to not sound curious or jealous.

He Tian didn't even understand why the Guan Shan was asking such an obvious question, "I am?" He Tian said, confused "What made you think I wouldn't be?"

Guan Shan didn't want to say is was because how he looked like he didn't want to be alone tonight, and so, Guan Shan thought that he might have called someone over to spend the night with, "Nothing," he said, and walked towards the living room.

His body temperature was still low, the house was a lot warmer than the outside, but it still wasn't enough to make Guan Shan's body go back to its usual temperature, "Are you cold?" He Tian asked, he probably noticed from the way Guan Shan was breathing or talking.  
  
Guan Shan nodded, "Kinda," he was too proud to admit that he was freezing to the bones.

He Tian took a few steps towards him, and touched his cheek softly, "You call that kinda?" He Tian looked into his eyes, "You are freezing," he grabbed Guan Shan's hand and dragged him to the bathroom.

He opened the door and pushed him inside, "Take a hot shower," He Tian pointed at the cabinet, "You know where the towels are."

Guan Shan looked at him with sceptical eyes, "I don't think it’s a good idea," he said, and he moved to get out of the bathroom but He Tian stopped him.

"I won't do anything, if that’s why you think it is not a good idea," He Tian said and pushed Guan Shan back, "I'm going to make something hot for you, so take your time and get your body warm up."

He Tian still could see suspicion in his eyes, "But if you still don't feel comfortable," he showed him the keys, "You can lock the door."

Guan Shan didn't lift his head, "It is not necessary." He didn't see He Tian's face, but he felt how it broke him to say those words, the little amount of trust Guan Shan was showing He Tian was hurting him. "You also don't have to make anything for me, I'll do it after I shower."

"But I want to," He Tian said, "So let me do something for you."

Guan Shan felt like his face was about to burn, he didn't need to take a shower to warm up his body, He Tian just did that with a few simple words.

"Thank you," Guan Shan said and closed the door on He Tian's face before he noticed the sudden blush on his face.

"Take your time," He Tian said and walked to the kitchen.

Guan Shan listened to his footsteps and when they stopped he turn on the water, he waited a bit for the water to turn hot, and then got in the bath, "Get yourself together," Guan Shan said, and he let the water warm up his body, as if He Tian hadn’t done it enough.

   


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Guan Shan covered his body with a towel that he took from the cabinet, he looked at the clothes he had taken off, they weren't dirty but they got a bit moisturised from the water from the bath, on the other hand his underwear was all wet.

It probably fell from the place Guan Shan put it and got all wet because the floor was covered by water. "Damn, what the hell I'm gonna do now?" Guan Shan asked himself and the answer that come to his mind wasn't an answer that made him happy.

He opened the door and look at the around to see if He Tian was around, for a minute he thought he could borrow underwear without telling He Tian. He would put it back before He Tian would even realize it was missing, after all Guan Shan was the one who did the laundry.

There was some noises but he wasn't around, "He is probably still in the kitchen," Guan Shan thought and began walking to He Tian's clothes cabinet in silent steps.

Guan Shan made it to He Tian's room without making any noises, but when he opened the clothes cabinet, he was standing in front of He Tian while holding two cups, from what he could guess from the smell, of tea.

"Are you looking for something?" He Tian asked, and put the cups on the table closest to him. There was a teasingly smirk on his, goddamn, face

"Nothing," Guan Shan closed the cabinet quickly and tried to run towards the bathroom.

"Wait, wait," He Tian yelled and run after him.

Guan Shan didn't stop and got in the bathroom, but He Tian caught up to him before he had the chance to close the door.

"What did just happen? What were you looking for?" He Tian asked, for a moment Guan Shan thought he would be angry, but he sounded so nice.

"I told you, didn't I?" Guan Shan didn't plan to admit that he was about to steal one of his underwear, "It was nothing."

He Tian shut the door behind him, and get closer to Guan Shan, "I didn't seem like nothing to me," Guan Shan didn't understand what He Tian was trying to do, he was about to open his mouth to say something, but He Tian made him shut up, "Do you need… underwear?" he asked, his eyes were on Guan Shan's wet underwear.

Guan Shan felt like he could die from embarrassment, his face and body were turning into a dark shade of red and there was nothing he could to do hide it from He Tian, "You don't need to feel that shy about it," He Tian said, he was about to lightly hit his back to make this situation less awkward but then he realized the fact that Guan Shan only had on two towels that covers his body, that touch would probably make everything more awkward than it already was.

"Wait here, I'll get you some clean clothes." He Tian said.

"Y-you don't have to," Guan Shan said. but He Tian were already gone.

After a few second, He Tian came back holding a shirt, sweatpants and underwear. "Wear these," he handed the clothes to Guan Shan, "I'm waiting for you in the living room,"

Guan Shan nodded his head, he didn't have any other option than do what he said, "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," He Tian said, his smile was more sincere and calm than Guan Shan had ever seen before. "Hurry up, or your tea will get cold."

   


                                                                                                                            ||~~*~~||

   


When Guan Shan got to the living room in He Tian's clothes, He Tian welcomed him with a slightly close-lips smile that it almost made Guan Shan melt.

"They look good on you, better than on me," He Tian said, and seemed like he was honest about it.

"I don't feel like they do," Guan Shan said and sat next to him, but he was keeping his distance from He Tian, as if he wanted to be close to him but not too.

"You should, because it’s true." He Tian said, he handed him the tea he had made, "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah," Guan Shan nodded, and took a sip of his tea, it wasn't as hot as he saw before, but it was still warm and his insides felt pretty nice, "I'm much better."

"I'm glad," He Tian said, "It would be bad if my housekeeper got sick suddenly."

Guan Shan rolled his eyes, "Don't worry about that, I still would come to clean your home even if I was sick."

He Tian looked at Guan Shan's face as if he was moved, "Do you care about me that much?"

"I don't give a fuck about you," Guan Shan laughed at him, it probably could be the first time He Tian heard such a laugh from him, so he didn't even care how mean Guan Shan's words were, "I’m only thinking of myself," he sighed, "If I don't come here to this house twice a week." He said and took another sip of his tea.

He Tian made an annoyed face, "I think I can keep my house clean for a few days."

Guan Shan could hardly stop himself from spitting his tea, "Yeah, sure," he remembered the state in which he had found the kitchen, how dirty it was, although it hadn’t even been a whole day since Guan Shan had cleaned, "Whatever you say."

"I can!" He Tian said, his voice sounded like he was taking it personally and was sure that he could do that.

"I know you can," Guan Shan didn't want to push him anymore, after he is the one that provides protection to kitchen.

"I am not a brat that you should take care of," He Tian said, he didn't sound mad or hurt, but somehow Guan Shan could feel the sudden change in his mood. He Tian was trying to hide it while talking about other stuff, but he wasn't doing a good job.

"Shit, shit," Guan Shan cursed and gave his cup to He Tian in a hurry, he almost forgot about the photo in his pocket, and he put his clothes in the washing machine, he prayed that it wasn’t too late for the photo.

"What happened?" He Tian asked, but Guan Shan was already running towards the bathroom.

Thankfully it hadn't been long since the machine had started and so Guan Shan could open the lid of the washing machine, he immediately took his jean and looked for the photo; it was still there and it seemed like it wasn't damaged, it was a bit wrinkled but it wasn't something that couldn’t be fixed.

He sighed and turn his head towards to the door and saw He Tian standing right there, "Did you look at the photo?" He Tian asked, the coldness in his voice was worse than the cold outside.

Guan Shan shook his head, although he did, but the way He Tian asked made him feel like he butt in something he shouldn't have, he felt like this photo of a young child, with a beautiful woman and a golden dog was something that He Tian didn't want to show anyone, not even Guan Shan, which is understandable, since they weren't that close to each other to share their secrets or their pain.

He Tian took a few steps towards Guan Shan and took the photo from his hand, "You don't have to lie," He Tian said, his voice sounded warmer than before, "I'm sorry if I scared you, to the point that you had to lie."

Guan Shan was offended, "Who is scared?" he said, while looking into He Tian's eyes to show him that he wasn’t scared of him, "I'm just sorry because I took something that’s yours, but I swear I didn't do it intentionally."

"I know," He Tian smiled at him, but it was a smile that was between broken and sad, "I know, you are not that kind of person," He Tian said, and looked at the photo, "Do you wonder what’s the story behind this photo?" he asked.

Guan Shan shrugged, "No," although He Tian asked, he didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it, and Guan Shan didn't want him to talk about something that he didn't want to talk about, that would make him sad. Guan Shan didn't want to see such a sad and broken smile on He Tian, because it made him feel sympathy for him, it also made Guan Shan sad and it made him feel something for the boy that Guan Shan wasn't aware he could ever feel for someone like He Tian.

He Tian silently thanked Guan Shan for not making him talk about it.

"Let's go back to the living room," He Tian said, he put the photo in the trash, "There is a movie I want to watch with you."

   


                                                                                                                            ||~~*~~||

   


When He Tian said there was a movie that he wants to watch with him, Guan Shan thought it was probably an action movie or something like that but it would have never cross his mind that it would be a romance movie.

On the cover, there was a woman and a man feeding each other an obviously expensive meal, one couldn’t tell what it was from the cover. "What’s the name of the movie?" Guan Shan asked, although he was kind of scared to hear the answer.

He Tian turn his head towards him with a great smirk on his face, "Feed me with your love."

Guan Shan narrowed his eyes, "Are you serious?" he asked, and hoped he wasn't.

"Pretty much." He Tian nodded.

"I'm not watching something named like that." Guan Shan said and attempted to get up but He Tian pushed him back and made him sit again.

"Can you not spoil the fun?" He Tian asked, he was trying to pull off a look with his eyes that Guan Shan didn't understand.

"What are you trying to do?" He asked to make He Tian stop because it looked way too weird.

"Puppy eyes," He Tian said, with a serious face, "is it not working?"

Guan Shan shook his head, "Stop trying."

"Tell me you wanna watch it," He Tian insisted, probably there was a reason why he wanted to watch this movie but Guan Shan was almost sure that the reason was a stupid one, but he didn't have the strength to fight about it.

"Fine," Guan Shan said and He Tian started the movie.

The movie started with a girl needing money and becoming a private chef and housekeeper of a young master that doesn't have any friends nor goes out of his house and his family hires that girl to make their son get back to life, her real job in the house was to make the young master love life again and she only agreed to do it because she needed money to study cooking, which is her dream and meant everything to her.

The movie was filled with clichés and there was nothing original about it, Guan Shan was getting bored watching it and the fact that He Tian was watching his face instead of the movie wasn't making Guan Shan watch it anymore, "Have you seen this movie already?" Guan Shan finally asked.

He Tian shook his head, "Nope, I haven't."

Guan Shan sighed, "Then why are you watching my damn face instead of the movie?"

"I have my reasons," He Tian said, and got a bit closer to Guan Shan.

The sudden closeness somehow made Guan Shan nervous, for no reason, absolutely no reason, and that’s why he didn't understand why he was getting nervous, "Share these reasons with me, or stop the movie," Guan Shan yawned.

"Is it that boring?" He Tian asked.

Guan Shan pressed his lips together, "Do you even need to ask?"

On the tv, the girl and boy were fighting about something that Guan Shan couldn't understand because he wasn't listening, then the scene changed to a cooking one and the girl was cutting somethings but with fury, probably because of the fight she and the guy just had. The camera focused on what that she was cutting.

Guan Shan's eyes suddenly caught up the television screen, "Are those fingers?" he asked, with great excitement in his voice.

"What fingers?" He Tian said and turn his head towards the TV for the first time, and the scene he saw made him feel like throwing up.

"This is a horror movie." Guan Shan explained what was already obvious enough.

He Tian started to stand up to change the movie, they weren't going to watch a horror movie together, nope, absolutely not! This was the first night ever that they were spending together and He Tian wasn't going to let anything ruin it, not his past, not a stupid second-rate horror movie.

"What are you doing?" Guan Shan asked and grabbed his arm, to make him sit again.

"What do you mean what?" He Tian asked, "I'm gonna change the movie, like you kept asking for the whole night."

"I'm gonna kick your ass if you dare touch it." Guan Shan said, with a serious voice, while looking into He Tian's eyes, he didn't even care about what He Tian might do to him, he never looked that serious about anything.

"Do you want to watch this?" He Tian asked, as if he couldn't believe his own ears, or more like he didn't want to believe them.

Guan Shan nodded, "Yes, I want to!"

He Tian leaned back after he saw the excitement in Guan Shan's eyes, "So, you like horror movies?" he raised one eyebrow.

"I do," Guan Shan said without taking his eyes off from the television screen.

"Nice," He Tian said, "I got to know a new thing about you."

"You don't like them?" Guan Shan asked, his eyes still focused on the screen, the girl was cutting off a part of a human that He Tian didn't know, "I mean, horror movies?"

He Tian ignored the question.

Guan Shan thought he didn't hear him and asked again and added another question, "Are you afraid of horror movies?"

He Tian rolled his eyes, "It is not that I don't like or am I afraid of them," he sighed, because he knew Guan Shan would definitely think that he was afraid, "I just don't prefer watching them."

Guan Shan took of his eyes from the screen, for the first time in long time and looked at He Tian's face, "In short, you don't like them, because most of them are bloody and all but you're not the one that’s beating or killing them?"

He Tian pressed his lips with a slight frown, "Yes, yes, you could say that." He Tian said, and for a minute, he felt like Guan Shan was giving him a way to escape from admitting he is no good with horror movies, and the reason for it.

   


                                                                                                                            ||~~*~~||

   


He Tian hadn’t known of the sweet pleasure that was watching a horror movie, in a dark room, especially when you were with the one person that you want to be with.

Guan Shan wasn't the type of person that was bothered by horror or high amounts of violence in a movie, but he was the type to gets sleepy in the middle of watching a movie, and He Tian was very thankful for it.

The distance between them had disappeared long ago, they were sitting next to each other, they both would touch each other if they moved in the slightest, but they were keeping their hands to themselves.

Like, it didn't even cross He Tian's mind that Guan Shan would touch his hand or any part of his body, not even by accident. That’s why when sleepy Guan Shan leaned his head over He Tian's shoulders, he thought he was dreaming, or that Guan Shan was about to die. Of course, that wasn't the case, Guan Shan boy was only asleep.

He Tian was hardly breathing, he didn't want to wake him up, because he knows he would definitely push him away, or get mad, or both; and He Tian didn't want either of this, all he wanted was to stay like that.

"Sleepy Guan Shan is dangerous," He Tian whispered to himself. Guan Shan's eyes were half open, and he looked cute. From his position, He Tian couldn't see his face well, but he could say that Guan Shan had a funny yet cute sleeping face.

"What time is it?" Guan Shan asked, with such a sleepy voice that He Tian wondered if he was even aware of where he was, of who he was with.

"Around 2am." He Tian said, with the sweetest voice he could manage.

Guan Shan jumped off the couch, as soon as he heard He Tian's voice, "Fuck," Guan Shan cursed when he realized their position, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize what I was doing," Guan Shan said and rubbed his eyes,

He Tian stood up, "It's okay," he shook his head, "I was very happy," He Tian almost said but stopped himself in the last second, "You looked pretty sleepy, so go and take the bed" he looked at the couch, "I'll sleep here."

"Not gonna happen," Guan Shan rejected his offer right after He Tian finished talking, "This is your house, and your bed, I'll be the one sleeping here, so just go."

"Do you really think I would make my guest sleep on the couch?" He Tian said with an exasperated sigh, "What kind of host would that make me?"

Guan Shan couldn't tell if he was being serious, or just highly sarcastic, "The best kind, because it would show you care about your guest's feeling."

"I'm putting my guest's health first," He Tian said, "do you have any idea how uncomfortable this couch is?"

"I only hear more reasons to not take the bed," Guan Shan said, "It's getting tiresome and I'm sleepy, so can we end this and sleep?"

"Exactly my thoughts," He Tian said and grabbed Guan Shan's hand when he was about to lie on the couch and dragged him to his bed.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Guan Shan asked, he wanted to fight back but he was too sleepy and even moving a bit was hard for him, let alone fighting with a dickhead like He Tian.

"I thought about a better solution," He Tian said and pushed Guan Shan to his bed, "You want to me take to the bed and I want you to take the bed," he started to take off his clothes.

"What- what are you doing?" Guan Shan asked stuttering.

He Tian smirked, "Don't get excited," he took off his shirt and took another one, "I'm just changing my clothes.

"Wh-y would I get excited, idiot?" Guan Shan said and looked away, for some reasons seeing He Tian's half-naked body was making him feel weird, which was something he couldn't understand because it wasn't the first time he was seeing his body like that, though it didn't feel like that, "But I'm not gonna play along with your games," Guan Shan said and tried to get out of the bed.

He Tian threw a dangerous look at him, "Move your ass and I'll make you pay for it," He Tian said, and he soften his expression, "I found a way to make both of us happy," He said and got in the bed as well, "Sleeping together." He Tian said happily.

For a minute, Guan Shan thought he heard him wrong, because even that dickhead wouldn't offer him something like that; but when he got in the bed, right next to him, Guan Shan suddenly found enough strength in his body to punch He Tian, but He Tian stopped him on the last second.

"Well, well, look who is awake now." He Tian said, he wasn't letting go of Guan Shan's hand or getting out of the bed.

"Ok, fine I'll take the bed," Guan Shan said, he didn't care where he would sleep as long as He Tian wasn't next to him, "So, get the fuck out."

"You missed that train," He Tian said and made himself even more comfortable and take Guan Shan with himself. "Now, you’ll have to sleep with me."

"Not gonna happen," Guan Shan said, and tried to take his hand back.

"Why? Does it make you nervous? The thought of us sleeping together?" He Tian asked. He Tian was trying to make eye contact but the more he tried the more Guan Shan tried avoided looking his way. "Would you dream about me if you slept next to me?" He Tian said with such a sweet voice that it made Guan Shan almost feel things that would make him hate himself.

"I keep telling you this but it seems like you can't hear me," Guan Shan sighed, "there is no reason for me to be nervous around you."

He Tian pull Guan Shan closer to himself, "If only you could see your face right now," he said, "The way you look at me is telling me everything."

Guan Shan had no idea what kind of face he was making, but he refused to believe that he was making a face that would make He Tian say that, "Believe what you want to believe," there was no point in fighting about it, "Just let go of my hand, let me sleep."

"Only if you tell me you accepted my offer." He Tian said.

"What’s the difference? You aren’t giving me any option"

"If you really don't want it, I won't push you." He Tian said.

That was what Guan Shan hated the most, always pushing him around, playing with him but acting like the victim, like an innocent person when Guan Shan begins being mean, but he feels like He Tian does it on purpose. Then, he saw something pure in his face telling him that He Tian was being sincere, he wasn’t faking it, he wasn’t playing.

"This is your home, your bed, your rules," Guan Shan said, "So, let's just sleep."

He Tian knew that was the closest thing to an acceptance that Guan Shan would ever say so there was no point in pushing for more, and so he let go of Guan Shan's hand.

Guan Shan pushed himself to the other side of the bed, right after He Tian finally let go of him, "Sweet dreams." He Tian said and turned the lights off.

   


                                                                                                                            ||~~*~~||

  
He Tian did everything but couldn't sleep in the end, he thought if Guan Shan was by his side, then he could have a peaceful sleep tonight, that was the reason why he did all of those things, like changing Guan Shan's keys with his, wanting to watch a boring love movie with him, although the plan seemed to have backfired at first, it was a big success in the end, but he still couldn't even close his damn eyes.

"Can't sleep?" Guan Shan asked, but his voice was so low that He Tian almost couldn't hear him.

Guan Shan clearly had no problem sleeping, He Tian could tell that from his voice, but because He Tian kept stirring around on the bed he probably woke up Guan Shan, "Kinda, but you go back to sleep." He Tian said, he lowered his voice, so Guan Shan wouldn't wake up more.

"Is there something bothering you?" Guan Shan asked, his voice was even lower than before, the boy probably would fall asleep in any minute.

"Don't worry about me." He Tian said, he had been already too selfish all day long and now he was making Guan Shan not get enough sleep.

He wanted to talk to him, he wanted to explain everything to him, tell him everything he had been holding in for years, but he didn't know how. He wasn't good at talking about himself like that, and what's more, he didn't want to make it seem like he was making Guan Shan feel bad about him.

"Just, spill." Guan Shan said and took a breath, he was probably trying his best to not fall asleep.

He Tian laughed at himself quietly, and let the silence make Guan Shan fall sleep again, after a few minutes He Tian heard Guan Shan's sleeping noises. "Today is my mother's death anniversary," He Tian said, he knew Guan Shan couldn't hear him, but it was why he was saying it out loud, he hadn't say those words for years.

"The photo you took was of me and my mother," He Tian felt a warm feeling inside his heart when he remembered that day, and then sudden sadness, "We took that photo only a few days before she died..." Remembering made him feel like he was back to that day, back to the moment his brother came and told him about his mother, "She wasn't a healthy person, ever since I was born," his mother couldn’t ever play with him, they never could do what other mothers and sons would do.

"I'm probably the one who made her sick," he remembered all the mean things he got called by his cruel cousins, "having someone like me inside her belly made her sick, made her blood dirty," the words were similar to the ones his cousins told him, "And this is why I didn't want to be alone today," He Tian sighed, "This is why I was acting weird this morning, this is why I changed your key with mine so you could come back to my house, this is why I made you watch that crappy movie," confessing all of these things made He Tian feel better.

"I'm not to blame for the clothing accident, but damn the minute I saw you in my clothes was priceless, it felt like you were mine, and that’s why I wanted to sleep with you in the same bed, I thought if you were with me I would finally be able to sleep, because you make me feel human again, you make me feel."

He Tian took a deep breath, he was somehow feeling much better, his eyes were begging to be closed, his whole body felt heavy and all he wanted was to sleep, "Thank you," He Tian said and closed his eyes.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for posting this a day late!!! 
> 
> I hope this was a good fic and y'all had fun while reading it 
> 
> stay safe ~

**Author's Note:**

> this is my fic for tianshan week and for Day 2: Dear one and for Day 4: Shield!! and I tottaly forget about valentine's day while writing this so there is no mention of it!!
> 
> thank you so much user taitsu for being my precious beta


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